Pretty, Happy, Funny, Real

This is my first time participating in "Pretty, Happy, Funny, Real," which is an exercise of capturing the contentment in our everyday lives, an idea started by the women of "Like Mother, Like Daughter."

*Pretty*

My husband bought me these flowers.  These are from almost two weeks ago now, and they are still going strong.  They need to be spruced up a bit, but I love flowers like these (mums, I think?) that don't start withering right away- they keep the sunshine in my kitchen for quite a few days.

*Happy*



My little boy has decided that he likes the openness of laying on a big blanket, so that he can roll around and try to cram his feet into his mouth.  His movements are often accompanied by squeals and giggles- he is a constant source of delight.

My mum made this blanket- it's a Noah's Ark theme.  I decided to decorate the nursery with animals because of a plaque I found at a thrift store while I was pregnant.  The plaque has Noah's Ark and the words, "God Always Keeps His Promises."  I think about this often, that God wants us ultimately to be happy and fulfilled and wishes good things for us.  I try to keep this in mind especially while I am struggling emotionally (and lately has been no picnic).

Funny

I love this clock.  I bought it as a reward for passing my CNA exam just over a year ago.  I ended up not pursuing a job in healthcare, but the course really taught me a lot of valuable skills.  Some of this knowledge, such as avoiding overexposure during bathing, I put into use while taking care of my son.  It's sort of funny how life turns out, and I like to remember that no experience is wasted, and that certain events (like my course) turn out to be useful in ways that I would never have foreseen.

The bird is on a pendulum, and my son just loves to watch it swing back and forth.  I often let him watch it while he's upset, and it calms him right down.

Real





This is my empty diaper pail.  I always knew I wanted to use cloth diapers when I had a baby, mostly for the potential savings.  Now, it is something I feel quite passionate about, because of the avoidance of certain chemicals used in disposable diapers and the impact of those on the environment.  We have just started to introduce solid foods, and alas the diaper-cleaning process has changed.  There is nothing more grounding or humbling perhaps as scraping baby poop into a toilet.  This not very pleasant task challenges me to remember why I decided to use cloth, and to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

The Salad Chiller

I got this salad chiller as a wedding gift from my registry.  I love the idea of salad- a quick and healthy lunch that can be spiced up in an almost infinite number of ways.  From the base (no more boring iceberg lettuce) to the main ingredients (cucumbers, mandarin slices, almond, craisins or whatever) to the dressing, everything can be switched up to an individual taste.  Still, I have rarely ventured into this dish that is a staple for so many people.  I have certainly had salads I enjoyed, but I get stuck on so many gumption traps that I rarely commit to making one.  Here are some of the most persistent offenders:

1) Lettuce is only sold by large quantities (unless you get loose leafs, which is more expensive).  Inevitably, much of the lettuce goes bad and I really hate to waste food.  So, I would really have to commit to eating salad everyday for a number of days in order to use it all up.  I have yet to make this commitment, for a variety of reasons, but these will sound like excuses so I won't get into them here.

2) Good dressing is expensive, and I am too chicken to try making my own- I am worried about the various elements separating.

3) Vegetables don't stay fresh for all that long.  Since I'm menu-planning more now, this should be less of a problem (I can schedule my salads so that I beat the natural vegetable spoiling process).

This salad chiller is a pretty nifty device.  It has an ice-pack built into the lid, along with a separate compartment to store and pour dressing.  I can think of a few people who might really like and use this.  So, I could re-gift this or I could make the commitment to at least try and eat salad (at work, using this bad boy and at home).

To me, eating salad is the epitome of being healthy.  If I choose to rip this chiller out of its packaging, I am committing to keeping it in my home, possibly using it, and taking a step towards being healthier.  Until then, it is a nagging thought lurking unopened and enexplored in the back of a dusty cabinet.

Praying the rosary is akin to this salad chiller.  While my rosary has seen more action than this kitchen device, it remains just a pretty potential when stored away and not in use.  I admire anyway who commits to a daily, healthy lifestyle just as much as I admire one who commits to daily prayer.

There is always tomorrow.  There is always tomorrow to return home, to go to mass, to open myself to God and to move forwards with more goodness and love in my heart.  There is always tomorrow to start a healthy diet.

I am learning to accept the reality between the cliche: "It's not about the destination, it's about the journey."  However, I don't want to rest on my laurels with the comfort that there is always tomorrow.  I know that it takes a while for habits to form and become ritual, so I welcome moments (like uncovering the salad chiller) that signal me to tie my shoe laces and keep walking onwards.

The Small Picture

It is very easy to romantacize the "big picture," to wax philosophical about grand ideas of peace and hope, to imagine myself one day as a Good Catholic.

On a recent family vacation, we all sat around and talked about hope- hope for the coming year and hope in general.  I talked about my hope to promote peace in the world.  I used to believe that I could be like Martin Luther King Jr., like Dorothy Day, or Thomas Merton.  I can be like them in the sense that we share humanity, we share the inevitable shortcomings that come from having temptations and the dreams of reaching beyond our own limitations to the divine.

Before we can create peace in the world, we have to be at peace at home.  My peace on a day-to-day basis consists of making decisions to promote a simpler lifestyle than what is popular.  I use cloth diapers- laundering them brings me peace.  In not contributing more waste to landfills in the form of disposable diapers, I am (in a very small yet very concrete way) moving towards peace.  There is nothing grand or exotic in this, yet I believe that it is important.

I have several specific goals for 2012: weight loss, pray more, read more, be nicer to my dogs (they really push my patience), be a good mother, be a good wife....etc.  I really ought to measure all of these goals against the overall measure: will these things bring me peace?  Some of them (weight loss, specifically) are means to an end that will (hopefully) bring me peace.  I try to break goals into smaller ones, because these days, it's easy for me to get lost and discouraged during this time of adjusting to the demands of a new baby.

 My focus has been sharpened since becoming a mother.  Everything is for my son, and for any future children I might be lucky enough to have.  Not only am I setting an example to him, but I am providing him with a model of what a mother and wife should be.  Yikes!  Talk about pressure.  I've been reading Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas (?), and it talks about how a spouse is a mirror- one that shows us our failings and successes...I wonder what a child is?  A magnifying mirror?

Anyway, this post is a bit scattered.  I'm still thinking about all of this, and how it seems very important that I "get it," right now.  I feel positive that I'm moving in the right direction, it just feels like it is going rather slowly.  I hope I can move fast enough.  I fear that I will fail my family.  Failure is not the worst thing...I think it was Dorothy Day who said, "Fear of the thing is worse than the thing itself."

Prayer brings me closer to God.  God wants me to bring peace to the world.  Being peaceful helps me look for God in all things.  I hope to someday see myself the way that God sees me: That is a good new year's resolution.



Side note: I have been thinking a lot about prayer.  This post http://ourmothersdaughters.blogspot.com/2011/09/as-convert-with-no-collective-memory-to.html was very instructive.  I've been thinking about it a lot over the past few months.  This blog, in general, is shouting the direction I want to go in.

Integration

I've been thinking a lot lately about ways to integrate my faith practice with my life.  It is really challenging to turn away from distractions and towards religious pursuits.  I would love to one day have daily habits that I don't think twice about doing.  I am a creature of habit, of ritual, yet I am so easily swayed by impulses that lead me away from establishing routines.  I have accepted this.

These are things I would like to eventually do everyday:

1. Floss my teeth
How this relates to my faith: this mundane activity is very good for my dental health, and by taking care of my body, I am affirming that I, as one of God's creatures, am worth the love and effort.

2. Read some part of the bible everyday
How this relates to my faith: Well, I've never made it through the whole thing (I have made it through Deuteronomy) so I feel completely out of touch when people make biblical refereces.  I feel almost hypocritical calling myself a Christian, when I haven't even read this fundamental text.
Integration: I'm planning on acquiring the Bible on CD, so that I can listen to it in chunks while breast-feeding, since I will hopefully be doing a lot of that very soon.

3. Pray the rosary
How this relates to my faith: I really do love praying the rosary, and I even got a chaplet so that the task is less daunting (5 decades is a lot for me in one sitting).  I really prefer to spend 10-15 minutes on a shortened version where I am more focused, than to have a 30 minute stretch of distracted prayer.  I am hoping that in building up my prayer endurance, I will eventually graduate to saying the whole rosary in its original form.  Until then, I am enjoying communing through directed prayer and meditation.
Integration: I generally wake up before my husband in the mornings, so I'm hoping to just make this part of my morning ritual: I'm hoping that by starting the day off with prayer, that I will be more inspired to continue with good intentions throughout the rest of the day.

4. Prayer before meals
How this relates to my faith: I currently don't say grace before meals, and do not often sit at the table to eat.  I think that by returning my attention to giving thanks at meal times, that food will become more nourishing and will give me pause for thought of how I am using that energy throughout my day (am I engaging in activities that strengthen or weaken my faith?).
Integration: My husband and I have a common goal that our children will eat around the table for meals, because of the unifying benefits it has in building a sense of familial support and strength.  Whether or not we say grace out loud, or just take a moment to pause before diving into dinner, I think this should be fairly easy to start practicing (especially once my baby is born and in a high chair- no eating in the living room with the TV on).

These are my goals.  These are small activities, but I am hoping that in making them as simple as possible, that I will have success and can build from there.  All I can do is try my best, and to remember that God is always waiting patiently with open arms for me to turn towards Him from all my distractions.

Fear and Control

There are always a hundred reasons to pray.  I will list a small number of things I could pray for just in this moment: soldiers recently indicted for tortue, victims and the families of victims who have been tortured, my husband, my baby, peace (in general), my mother's continued good health, my brother, my extended family members, my marriage, and so on.

I find one of my major gumption traps to praying the rosary is that it takes a long time (shame on me! but, in an effort to recognize obstacles I accept the fact that half an hour seems like a lot of time to focus on praying).  Solution?  I bought a chaplet, which is simpler, and takes half the time to make it on a round of beads.  Result?  No increase in prayer frequency yet.

The night before my most recent ultrasound, I was plagued with anxiety, thoughts about what might show up on the scan: possible defects, missing limbs, soft markers for Down's etc.  Of all the times to pray, to reconnect with God, to put my trust in Him, that was the time.  Yet, I could not bring myself to pray for even ten minutes.

As I lay in bed that night, awaiting sleep to come upon me, I thought about why I was still hesitant to pray, despite the huge emotional and spiritual benefits that can be gained by handing up our problems to God.  FEAR.  It turns out that praying involves giving (imagined) reins over to someone else and admitting that we mere mortals have absolutely no control over the ultimate course of our lives.  Yes, I could go out right now and buy a milkshake instead of going to the gym, but I cannot control my health or my unborn child's health.  While it's difficult to open myself to receiving God's love at times, trusting God (and others in general) is even more mightily difficult.

The ultrasound went really well, and I am greatful...so very, very greatful.  I hope to learn to trust, so that I can survive with sanity as my baby gets bigger and eventually makes an appearance in this world.

Holy Thursday

Lent is almost over.  It seems to have gone by in a flurry of activity.  I have been working on many home and craft projects with all of my "extra time" (sans TV shows).  I know that it will be hard to resist watching TV again, but I've really enjoyed not watching it.  I have been spending my time on more valuable pursuits, like walking my dogs so that they are less resistant to the leash someday.

I love the Triduum.  I went to the Holy Thursday mass tonight, which ended with the candles being extinguished and the altar stripped.  The services in the Triduum are always the most moving and beautiful, I find.  There was the display of humility and service tonight in the feet washing, and tomorrow night there will be the veneration of the cross, with the climactic candle-lit vigil on Saturday night and the completion of the initiation process for the catechumens.  I really enjoy each one.

I don't really have much to say, but that I am thankful to be a part of such a wonderful church, and that I'm able to get these nights off work to go to these services.  I am ready to move and be moved, to love and be loved.

Giving Things Up

I don't know if it's just traditionally a "Catholic thing" to give up something for Lent, or whether or not it's just a modern thing that folks do in addition to fasting on certain days during the season.  In the past, I've given up soda and/or coffee.  I've had problems over-consuming soda in the past (I have awful cavity-ridden teeth), so it's been useful to give it up just for the purpose of being healthier.  However, being healthy isn't really the point of Lent is it?

The homily from this past Sunday was about allowing God to carve away at us, to strip away the things that are not really "me," in order that I may become more like Christ and grow closer to God.  The priest referenced the Jeremiah quote about the potter's wheel to drive home this idea.  We give up things during Lent that we should probably go ahead and give up altogether.  We should give up something that interferes with our relationship to God, or prevents us from being good people.

When I gave up soda the first time, I remember on Easter going down to the grocery store across the street from my apartment to pick up a delicious cold something or other.  I stood in front of the rows of cold sodas and thought, "Maybe I should just stay quit."  This thought was fleeting, as I chose the unhealthy, I chose a delicious Vanilla Coke.  I constantly make choices that are less healthy, the wrong choices.  I choose to sleep in instead of getting up and getting a head start on the day.  I choose to not brush my teeth at night (sometimes).  On some Sundays, I choose to sleep in instead of going to church.  I constantly put other things before my faith.

This year, since pregnancy has forced me to give up many unhealthy foods and beverages already, I decided to give up watching TV shows.  This was a casual decision, but I am really enjoying the results.  I feel as if I have so much extra time, and more energy, and that I'm getting more done.  It could just be the pregnancy hormones, but my house has never been cleaner or tidier.  I've been emptying the dishwasher the same day I run it (this is no small thing for me), I have been washing pans the same night I use them (mostly).  Spending this "extra" time a little more intentionally, I feel happier and I feel more content.  Since I'm being more productive, I feel less edgy about the level of cleanliness in the house, which means I'm a much nicer person to be around (I hope).  I may just quit watching TV for good, in the name of doing more of the things that I really enjoy...and I hope that in so doing, I am somehow moving closer to God.