Pretty, Happy, Funny, Real

This is me, capturing contentment from this week.  Amidst the chaos of there being so many things to do, and so many more that I want to do, I'm trying to remember to take deep breaths and just focus on today.  I am putting off that which doesn't need to be dealt with right now, and trying to stay busy without becoming frenzied.  Here's to the lovely women at Like Mother, Like Daughter.



{Pretty}

This is an organization board that I made, courtesy of a discovery through pinterest (which is really feeding my craft addiction quite well).  It is now hanging up on my kitchen wall and I love it!  The top frame includes a daily, weekly, and monthly cleaning list.  I still don't get all of these things done, but having the visual reminder on the wall now does help!  Here is the original link.

{Happy}

There are no two ways about it: life has been HARD lately.  I've been really riding the stress express train, so I've been trying to get creative.  I've baked two batches of cookies in the last week.  These ones above (just regular old chocolate chip) were the best I've ever made.  It's all about getting them out of the oven when they still look "raw" on top.  I always forget that they continue to cook sitting on the sheet, and that "just two more minutes" inevitably leads to burned bottoms (and no one wants that!).

{Funny}

Gabby (the trusty beagle) was clearly not amused, but I thought it was pretty funny that my little guy wanted to take her for a walk.

{Real}

This is going to be a beautiful rug someday, but right now it is just a tangled tangled mess.  I'm going to keep plugging away at it, until it looks like this.  I am really learning a lot during this process, but am looking forward to finishing it!  This will be going in the kitchen, which is currently rugless because of aformentioned beagle.

About Target

I love Target.  My son naps better in the stroller going through Target than anywhere else.  On bad days, walking down those aisles will always cheer me up whether or not I decide to purchase anything.

However, in a recent effort to start saving money, I've decided to cut back on my trips to Target.  On my most recent trip, I stocked up on everything I could possibly think of that might otherwise tempt me to revisit again soon: baby wipes (I love the Up & Up brand), prenatal vitamins (the Up & Up brand is the most comprehensive prenatal vitamin I've found), bath soap, dishwasher detergent (7th generation), and baby cereal (Earth's Best).  My goal is to abstain from Target for a month.

I am often drawn to Target (and shopping in general), because it is an easy excuse to get out of the house.  Why the need to get out?  At first, I blamed boredom and the need to stop looking at dirty dishes, unvacuumed surfaces, and dog hair fur piles that make me furrow my brow.  What I think this really boils down to is not maximizing the space and potential activities that my home can host.

Without complaining about my desire for a magical cleaning fairy to manage my housecleaning for me (as a born and raised slob, I am evolving slowly into being self-reliant and efficient in all manners of housework), I realized that with a cleaner and less cluttered house, I could happily be doing all sorts of fun things with materials that I already have!  While it is fun to find a craft, go out and buy supplies, and then come home and make it, this creates two problems: more stuff (clutter) being brought in and spending money (needlessly).

Here are some simple, fun, and cheap projects that I have been working on recently:

http://www.craftpassion.com/2010/03/recycle-tutorial-braided-rag-rug.html This is a braided rug made from old sheets- I'm sewing up my second one now, with one more to go in the bathroom.

My very own raised vegetable bed!  My husband used Pioneer Woman's Tutorial as his basis: http://thepioneerwoman.com/homeandgarden/2011/02/build-your-own-raised-flowervegetable-bed/

While I did have to buy materials to make a vegetable bed (and a fence to keep the dogs out of the compost), it allows me to better use the space in my yard.  Plus, I will hopefully have a nice crop of organic vegetables to enjoy soon(ish)!  I've been making my own baby food purees, and I think it will be really fun to show Hamish where food comes from and to be able to pick and feed him from plants in our own back yard.

With the money I save (hopefully, about a $100/month), I'm going to try to maintain my minimum hours/week at work so that I continue to have time at home with the boy and some nights off in common with my husband.  I don't think living within our means has to be difficult, but it can be a (very worthwhile) challenge.

This too, has changed

I'm rethinking this blog.

I used to write.  I wrote horrifically long papers in college and loved it.  I wrote angsty emo poetry in high school and loved it.  I wrote short stories when I was a child and loved it.  I kept a journal on and off growing up and loved it on and off.

I haven't been writing very much for a few years now.  I'm not quite sure in what form I want to write these days, but I know that the urge is there.  So, I'm going to turn to this blog for a little while.

As a result, I'm going to be expanding my original subject matter a little.  My life has changed so that I'm spending a lot of time at home with my little one.  As a result, my shift of interests has changed dramatically.  Now, I spend most of my waking hours thinking about diapers, homemaking, and green products.  While all of these things have been brewing for quite some time, my focus has sharpened quite dramatically.  So, why not take advantage of that by writing about it and sharing about it.  After all, all of these things are part of my journey into becoming a better person, more whole and healed and turning closer towards what I think it is that God wants me to do while I'm here.

I'm hoping to participate in Pretty, Happy, Funny, Real today but I have yet to begin charging my camera batteries.  Hopefully, I'll be on to that next (after I throw a load of laundry into the dryer!).

Pretty, Happy, Funny, Real

This is my first time participating in "Pretty, Happy, Funny, Real," which is an exercise of capturing the contentment in our everyday lives, an idea started by the women of "Like Mother, Like Daughter."

*Pretty*

My husband bought me these flowers.  These are from almost two weeks ago now, and they are still going strong.  They need to be spruced up a bit, but I love flowers like these (mums, I think?) that don't start withering right away- they keep the sunshine in my kitchen for quite a few days.

*Happy*



My little boy has decided that he likes the openness of laying on a big blanket, so that he can roll around and try to cram his feet into his mouth.  His movements are often accompanied by squeals and giggles- he is a constant source of delight.

My mum made this blanket- it's a Noah's Ark theme.  I decided to decorate the nursery with animals because of a plaque I found at a thrift store while I was pregnant.  The plaque has Noah's Ark and the words, "God Always Keeps His Promises."  I think about this often, that God wants us ultimately to be happy and fulfilled and wishes good things for us.  I try to keep this in mind especially while I am struggling emotionally (and lately has been no picnic).

Funny

I love this clock.  I bought it as a reward for passing my CNA exam just over a year ago.  I ended up not pursuing a job in healthcare, but the course really taught me a lot of valuable skills.  Some of this knowledge, such as avoiding overexposure during bathing, I put into use while taking care of my son.  It's sort of funny how life turns out, and I like to remember that no experience is wasted, and that certain events (like my course) turn out to be useful in ways that I would never have foreseen.

The bird is on a pendulum, and my son just loves to watch it swing back and forth.  I often let him watch it while he's upset, and it calms him right down.

Real





This is my empty diaper pail.  I always knew I wanted to use cloth diapers when I had a baby, mostly for the potential savings.  Now, it is something I feel quite passionate about, because of the avoidance of certain chemicals used in disposable diapers and the impact of those on the environment.  We have just started to introduce solid foods, and alas the diaper-cleaning process has changed.  There is nothing more grounding or humbling perhaps as scraping baby poop into a toilet.  This not very pleasant task challenges me to remember why I decided to use cloth, and to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

The Salad Chiller

I got this salad chiller as a wedding gift from my registry.  I love the idea of salad- a quick and healthy lunch that can be spiced up in an almost infinite number of ways.  From the base (no more boring iceberg lettuce) to the main ingredients (cucumbers, mandarin slices, almond, craisins or whatever) to the dressing, everything can be switched up to an individual taste.  Still, I have rarely ventured into this dish that is a staple for so many people.  I have certainly had salads I enjoyed, but I get stuck on so many gumption traps that I rarely commit to making one.  Here are some of the most persistent offenders:

1) Lettuce is only sold by large quantities (unless you get loose leafs, which is more expensive).  Inevitably, much of the lettuce goes bad and I really hate to waste food.  So, I would really have to commit to eating salad everyday for a number of days in order to use it all up.  I have yet to make this commitment, for a variety of reasons, but these will sound like excuses so I won't get into them here.

2) Good dressing is expensive, and I am too chicken to try making my own- I am worried about the various elements separating.

3) Vegetables don't stay fresh for all that long.  Since I'm menu-planning more now, this should be less of a problem (I can schedule my salads so that I beat the natural vegetable spoiling process).

This salad chiller is a pretty nifty device.  It has an ice-pack built into the lid, along with a separate compartment to store and pour dressing.  I can think of a few people who might really like and use this.  So, I could re-gift this or I could make the commitment to at least try and eat salad (at work, using this bad boy and at home).

To me, eating salad is the epitome of being healthy.  If I choose to rip this chiller out of its packaging, I am committing to keeping it in my home, possibly using it, and taking a step towards being healthier.  Until then, it is a nagging thought lurking unopened and enexplored in the back of a dusty cabinet.

Praying the rosary is akin to this salad chiller.  While my rosary has seen more action than this kitchen device, it remains just a pretty potential when stored away and not in use.  I admire anyway who commits to a daily, healthy lifestyle just as much as I admire one who commits to daily prayer.

There is always tomorrow.  There is always tomorrow to return home, to go to mass, to open myself to God and to move forwards with more goodness and love in my heart.  There is always tomorrow to start a healthy diet.

I am learning to accept the reality between the cliche: "It's not about the destination, it's about the journey."  However, I don't want to rest on my laurels with the comfort that there is always tomorrow.  I know that it takes a while for habits to form and become ritual, so I welcome moments (like uncovering the salad chiller) that signal me to tie my shoe laces and keep walking onwards.

The Small Picture

It is very easy to romantacize the "big picture," to wax philosophical about grand ideas of peace and hope, to imagine myself one day as a Good Catholic.

On a recent family vacation, we all sat around and talked about hope- hope for the coming year and hope in general.  I talked about my hope to promote peace in the world.  I used to believe that I could be like Martin Luther King Jr., like Dorothy Day, or Thomas Merton.  I can be like them in the sense that we share humanity, we share the inevitable shortcomings that come from having temptations and the dreams of reaching beyond our own limitations to the divine.

Before we can create peace in the world, we have to be at peace at home.  My peace on a day-to-day basis consists of making decisions to promote a simpler lifestyle than what is popular.  I use cloth diapers- laundering them brings me peace.  In not contributing more waste to landfills in the form of disposable diapers, I am (in a very small yet very concrete way) moving towards peace.  There is nothing grand or exotic in this, yet I believe that it is important.

I have several specific goals for 2012: weight loss, pray more, read more, be nicer to my dogs (they really push my patience), be a good mother, be a good wife....etc.  I really ought to measure all of these goals against the overall measure: will these things bring me peace?  Some of them (weight loss, specifically) are means to an end that will (hopefully) bring me peace.  I try to break goals into smaller ones, because these days, it's easy for me to get lost and discouraged during this time of adjusting to the demands of a new baby.

 My focus has been sharpened since becoming a mother.  Everything is for my son, and for any future children I might be lucky enough to have.  Not only am I setting an example to him, but I am providing him with a model of what a mother and wife should be.  Yikes!  Talk about pressure.  I've been reading Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas (?), and it talks about how a spouse is a mirror- one that shows us our failings and successes...I wonder what a child is?  A magnifying mirror?

Anyway, this post is a bit scattered.  I'm still thinking about all of this, and how it seems very important that I "get it," right now.  I feel positive that I'm moving in the right direction, it just feels like it is going rather slowly.  I hope I can move fast enough.  I fear that I will fail my family.  Failure is not the worst thing...I think it was Dorothy Day who said, "Fear of the thing is worse than the thing itself."

Prayer brings me closer to God.  God wants me to bring peace to the world.  Being peaceful helps me look for God in all things.  I hope to someday see myself the way that God sees me: That is a good new year's resolution.



Side note: I have been thinking a lot about prayer.  This post http://ourmothersdaughters.blogspot.com/2011/09/as-convert-with-no-collective-memory-to.html was very instructive.  I've been thinking about it a lot over the past few months.  This blog, in general, is shouting the direction I want to go in.

Integration

I've been thinking a lot lately about ways to integrate my faith practice with my life.  It is really challenging to turn away from distractions and towards religious pursuits.  I would love to one day have daily habits that I don't think twice about doing.  I am a creature of habit, of ritual, yet I am so easily swayed by impulses that lead me away from establishing routines.  I have accepted this.

These are things I would like to eventually do everyday:

1. Floss my teeth
How this relates to my faith: this mundane activity is very good for my dental health, and by taking care of my body, I am affirming that I, as one of God's creatures, am worth the love and effort.

2. Read some part of the bible everyday
How this relates to my faith: Well, I've never made it through the whole thing (I have made it through Deuteronomy) so I feel completely out of touch when people make biblical refereces.  I feel almost hypocritical calling myself a Christian, when I haven't even read this fundamental text.
Integration: I'm planning on acquiring the Bible on CD, so that I can listen to it in chunks while breast-feeding, since I will hopefully be doing a lot of that very soon.

3. Pray the rosary
How this relates to my faith: I really do love praying the rosary, and I even got a chaplet so that the task is less daunting (5 decades is a lot for me in one sitting).  I really prefer to spend 10-15 minutes on a shortened version where I am more focused, than to have a 30 minute stretch of distracted prayer.  I am hoping that in building up my prayer endurance, I will eventually graduate to saying the whole rosary in its original form.  Until then, I am enjoying communing through directed prayer and meditation.
Integration: I generally wake up before my husband in the mornings, so I'm hoping to just make this part of my morning ritual: I'm hoping that by starting the day off with prayer, that I will be more inspired to continue with good intentions throughout the rest of the day.

4. Prayer before meals
How this relates to my faith: I currently don't say grace before meals, and do not often sit at the table to eat.  I think that by returning my attention to giving thanks at meal times, that food will become more nourishing and will give me pause for thought of how I am using that energy throughout my day (am I engaging in activities that strengthen or weaken my faith?).
Integration: My husband and I have a common goal that our children will eat around the table for meals, because of the unifying benefits it has in building a sense of familial support and strength.  Whether or not we say grace out loud, or just take a moment to pause before diving into dinner, I think this should be fairly easy to start practicing (especially once my baby is born and in a high chair- no eating in the living room with the TV on).

These are my goals.  These are small activities, but I am hoping that in making them as simple as possible, that I will have success and can build from there.  All I can do is try my best, and to remember that God is always waiting patiently with open arms for me to turn towards Him from all my distractions.

Fear and Control

There are always a hundred reasons to pray.  I will list a small number of things I could pray for just in this moment: soldiers recently indicted for tortue, victims and the families of victims who have been tortured, my husband, my baby, peace (in general), my mother's continued good health, my brother, my extended family members, my marriage, and so on.

I find one of my major gumption traps to praying the rosary is that it takes a long time (shame on me! but, in an effort to recognize obstacles I accept the fact that half an hour seems like a lot of time to focus on praying).  Solution?  I bought a chaplet, which is simpler, and takes half the time to make it on a round of beads.  Result?  No increase in prayer frequency yet.

The night before my most recent ultrasound, I was plagued with anxiety, thoughts about what might show up on the scan: possible defects, missing limbs, soft markers for Down's etc.  Of all the times to pray, to reconnect with God, to put my trust in Him, that was the time.  Yet, I could not bring myself to pray for even ten minutes.

As I lay in bed that night, awaiting sleep to come upon me, I thought about why I was still hesitant to pray, despite the huge emotional and spiritual benefits that can be gained by handing up our problems to God.  FEAR.  It turns out that praying involves giving (imagined) reins over to someone else and admitting that we mere mortals have absolutely no control over the ultimate course of our lives.  Yes, I could go out right now and buy a milkshake instead of going to the gym, but I cannot control my health or my unborn child's health.  While it's difficult to open myself to receiving God's love at times, trusting God (and others in general) is even more mightily difficult.

The ultrasound went really well, and I am greatful...so very, very greatful.  I hope to learn to trust, so that I can survive with sanity as my baby gets bigger and eventually makes an appearance in this world.

Holy Thursday

Lent is almost over.  It seems to have gone by in a flurry of activity.  I have been working on many home and craft projects with all of my "extra time" (sans TV shows).  I know that it will be hard to resist watching TV again, but I've really enjoyed not watching it.  I have been spending my time on more valuable pursuits, like walking my dogs so that they are less resistant to the leash someday.

I love the Triduum.  I went to the Holy Thursday mass tonight, which ended with the candles being extinguished and the altar stripped.  The services in the Triduum are always the most moving and beautiful, I find.  There was the display of humility and service tonight in the feet washing, and tomorrow night there will be the veneration of the cross, with the climactic candle-lit vigil on Saturday night and the completion of the initiation process for the catechumens.  I really enjoy each one.

I don't really have much to say, but that I am thankful to be a part of such a wonderful church, and that I'm able to get these nights off work to go to these services.  I am ready to move and be moved, to love and be loved.

Giving Things Up

I don't know if it's just traditionally a "Catholic thing" to give up something for Lent, or whether or not it's just a modern thing that folks do in addition to fasting on certain days during the season.  In the past, I've given up soda and/or coffee.  I've had problems over-consuming soda in the past (I have awful cavity-ridden teeth), so it's been useful to give it up just for the purpose of being healthier.  However, being healthy isn't really the point of Lent is it?

The homily from this past Sunday was about allowing God to carve away at us, to strip away the things that are not really "me," in order that I may become more like Christ and grow closer to God.  The priest referenced the Jeremiah quote about the potter's wheel to drive home this idea.  We give up things during Lent that we should probably go ahead and give up altogether.  We should give up something that interferes with our relationship to God, or prevents us from being good people.

When I gave up soda the first time, I remember on Easter going down to the grocery store across the street from my apartment to pick up a delicious cold something or other.  I stood in front of the rows of cold sodas and thought, "Maybe I should just stay quit."  This thought was fleeting, as I chose the unhealthy, I chose a delicious Vanilla Coke.  I constantly make choices that are less healthy, the wrong choices.  I choose to sleep in instead of getting up and getting a head start on the day.  I choose to not brush my teeth at night (sometimes).  On some Sundays, I choose to sleep in instead of going to church.  I constantly put other things before my faith.

This year, since pregnancy has forced me to give up many unhealthy foods and beverages already, I decided to give up watching TV shows.  This was a casual decision, but I am really enjoying the results.  I feel as if I have so much extra time, and more energy, and that I'm getting more done.  It could just be the pregnancy hormones, but my house has never been cleaner or tidier.  I've been emptying the dishwasher the same day I run it (this is no small thing for me), I have been washing pans the same night I use them (mostly).  Spending this "extra" time a little more intentionally, I feel happier and I feel more content.  Since I'm being more productive, I feel less edgy about the level of cleanliness in the house, which means I'm a much nicer person to be around (I hope).  I may just quit watching TV for good, in the name of doing more of the things that I really enjoy...and I hope that in so doing, I am somehow moving closer to God.

Door Knockers and the Homeless

A few minutes ago, a minivan pulled up in front of my house.  I might not normally have noticed such a thing, except that I happened to be by my kitchen window washing dishes, and my dogs alerted me to potential visitors.

Six well-dressed folks poured out of the van and started walking around.  Jehovah's Witnesses.  Two women came to my door and read me a short bible verse.  God wants us to be happy and at peace.  I let them leave a couple of magazines with me, and then they left.  I sure don't mind a well-meaning person reading me some scripture, wishing me a good day, and departing.  I always try to be as polite as possible to door-knockers of all forms, because I know that many people prefer to just slam the door in peoples' faces (how rude!).

I really am not a fan of evangelicism.  Not a bit.  However, I believe in the power of the words of the bible being spoken aloud, and it was quite a nice midday reminder of God's love.  These particular people, along with missionaries, are doing what they can to be witnesses to God.  They believe that one way of doing this is sharing the good word.  I can respect that, whether or not I'd choose to do it myself.

The other night I went to KFC right before they closed (late-night craving, what can I say?).  I held the door for a man lugging some chicken wings and a suitcase, and he said "God bless you."  This man was probably homeless- he had an unopened can of beer on him, and had clearly been imbibing some already, and was dragging his belongings around him in not such a nice place in town.  What if he deeply meant this?  Someone who, on many unknown levels, has seemingly not been blessed can still warmly wish well upon others.  I thought about this on my way home, in my warm car, to my house full of food that I was ignoring in preference to fast-food.  I have been blessed in many apparent ways: all of my basic human needs are being met.  I have a home, a job, an education (whether I'm using it or not in my employment...this is something I really need to get over), a family, and a loving husband. 

Obviously, this man doesn't know any of this about me when he wished God's blessings upon me...The Witnesses today did not know that I already have God in my life and don't wish to join their church...But those things are irrelevant.  In both scenarios, these people are being witnesses to God's love.  They are wishing well upon others, wishing happiness and peace, despite (probably) being ignored by others and viewed as pests.

Epiphany

There are two different priests who conduct mass at my local church, each with their own style.  Father Steve, the older (?) of the two, has been doing most of the masses for the last few months (at least the ones I've attended).  Father Steve is a major word-nerd.  He very much enjoys the richness of etymology, and will often explain the historical, spiritual, and cultural significance of words that come up in the readings.

Today was no exception.  Epiphany comes from an ancient Greek word meaning, 'to show.'  This word (and its significance in The Epiphany) is expressed through the Platonic ideal that there are forms that contain a deeper significance that remain hidden to individuals until there is a moment of light when understanding is gained (an epiphany, if you will).  That is to say, in such a moment one can see "how things really are."  Good old fashioned metaphysics are at hand, here.

The classic example of an epiphany is "the moment of clarity" experienced by an alcoholic when he or she realizes that drinking has become a problem and it's time to quit.  An epiphany calls for a fundamental lifestyle change.  Even if the addict doesn't make a complete turnaround at that point, it's impossible to truly turn back and silence the understanding gained during that moment.  That addict will know that the behavior is wrong, that it isn't healthy, and will not lead to anything good.

The epiphany of advent is that God is with us.  Love is with us.  Love is a force governing and existing in the universe, even in the face of evidence pointing to the contrary.  There were over 2,000 emergency calls made in Manchester, England on New Year's Eve; 33 of those calls were to report stabbings.  There is a shocking amount of violence in the world.

I've had "moments of clarity" in my life, several of them with the same epiphany.  I don't think that the message I'm receiving is falling on deaf ears.  I have not been as successful as acting on this message as I would have hoped, but I recognize that it is a slow, slow process.  On different ocassions, I have realized that I do not show love to myself the way I do to others.  I have, at different times in my life, engaged in self-destructive behaviors, while still maintaining friendships wherein I displayed great concern for the other person but very little for myself.  I have come a long, long way to correct this, and realize that I am at a much healthier place now than I ever have been.

I go through phases of wanting to eat healthy, exercise daily, and do all sorts of very health-nutty things.  Due to a recent event (which I will share in about a month), I have actually started working on this more actively.  I have eaten brown rice and whole wheat bread today--something utterly unprecedented in my life!  This recent event is still (mostly) rooted in loving another, but since I am also the benefactor of this caring and healthy lifestyle change, I will embrace it as a good thing.

Things really are good.  God is with me.  At any point, I can always pick-up, try again, and be healthy and wish goodness upon myself.  I can show love towards myself by making healthy choices.  I am excited for these small, good changes.

Excitement

My husband often tells me, during times of stress, that I should enjoy the experience.  He doesn't mean that I should "live in the moment," but rather allow myself to really feel the stress and recognize that every difficult time is one that I will look back on someday.

When we were in the process of buying our house, there were several occasions when I felt certain that the deal was going to fall through: we weren't going to be approved for the loan, someone else was going to outbid us, the house wasn't going to pass inspection...But, in the end, here I sit in my very own living room, with a faint memory of that anguish-filled process.

Even when I'm filled with anguish, whether it be house-related or deciding upon a career or education path, I'm excited for something.  Hope lies underneath that unrest.  Underneath my negativity, there lies a deep and abiding optimism that things will work out.  I am not doomed to unhappiness.  Graduate school did not work out (for now), but we did get our house to fill with our dreams.  I'm still excited about the possibility of future education, and I'm excited about the prospect of growing a family.

I'm excited for Christmas Eve this year.  This particular Christmas Eve is the ten-year anniversary of an unmentionable incident.  Every year, it is a cause for grieving, but I'm planning on making this my last year that I choose this particular path of dealing with it.  I go shopping on Christmas Eve.  In a daze, I wander through crowded stores and splurge on clothing (hello, Old Navy!).  This year, I'm mainly shopping for house-goods because I have quite a closet full of clothes that I don't wear.  Next year, I'm going to look into volunteering on Christmas Eve.

I'm excited for Christmas Eve mass this year.  I look forward to taking communion, to kiss goodbye all the sins and failures and letdowns of this year, and be re-born in hope for the new.  God has been with me through all of my past anguishes, through all of my hopes. 

Even right now, a time when my plate is relatively blank: I'm a newly-wed, pre-pregnant, with no future education lined up, no new job prospects in sight (although I do now have my CNA license), and in the process of becoming a US citizen.  There is a potential tornado of activity ahead, and right now I'm living in a period of stability and calm.  I am trying to savor this calm because I know I will look back on it someday with nostalgia (probably some future night when I am changing a newborn, and am utterly exhausted).

I hope to do better next year; I hope that I will be more positive, and that I will be able to more fully open myself to God and all His love and wisdom.

Vocation

I'm back.  It has been some time since I've written and quite a few big things have happened.  I had my first confession, I was married, and I went on a really magical honeymoon to Mexico.  I've been contemplating confession, birth control, marriage, and vocation.  Vocation is the real stumper, not because my decision is difficult, but rather because it requires me to embrace a new way of life.  Ultimately, I will move towards the good, but the path of least resistance is easy to get sucked into.

I'm reading 'A Year with Thomas Merton,' which composes of excerpts from his journals over the years.  This entry, written on October 22nd, 1952, has really struck me and is haunting my days.

"Whether we live or die, we are the Lord's.  Life and death alike can be offered up as penance.  I can make reparations for my impiety by living as perfectly as I can the Rule and Spirit of St. Benedict- obedience, humility, work, prayer, simplicity, the love of Christ.
The light of truth burns without a flicker in the depths of a house that is shaken with storms of passion and of fear.  'You will not fear the terror of the night.'  And so I go on trying to walk on the waters of the breakdown.  Worse than ever before and better than ever before.  It is always painful and reassuring when he who I am not is visibly destroyed by the hand of God in order that the simplicity in the depths of me, which is His image, may be set free to serve Him in peace.  Sometimes in the midst of all this I am tremendously happy, and I have never in my life begun to be so grateful for His mercy..."

Beautiful words, no?  I think about this in light of my graduate school rejections, about the loss of my dream of professorship, and about the possibility of instead becoming a nurse.  What could involve more humility and kindness than nursing?
I am the Lord's, regardless of how well I have handled this rejection and how hard I have labored to rebuild myself and driven towards a new goal.  I need not fear the darkness of unknowing, because God is waiting silently for me to awaken to His plans, and to realize that the person I thought that I should be has been erased.  Instead, I am encouraged to pursue the simple solution waiting inside of the peace of my soul, and to pursue it whole heartedly.
Feeling God's presence through this decision is very joyful  and very reassuring.  I have hope for a different future, one that will still be bright but still challenging.  The future will be demanding, no doubt.  I hope that I can ground myself firmly in peace, that I will not storm about looking for the answer that is already in front of me.

Healing the Sick

I recently went to The Grotto, which is a sanctuary in Portland dedicated to Mary.  I prayed for my upcoming marriage and for a little peace of mind.  I've been feeling quite lost lately, and have been searching for something "to do" since I was not accepted into grad school.

I had a moment while I was in St. Paul in March, when there was still snow on the ground, and I was out on a run.  I thought, I could become a nurse, I could tend to the sick and still be doing an activity of one of the beatitudes.  If I'm not tending to the sick, housing the homeless, feeding the hungry, etc...then what am I doing?  Being a waitress is technically feeding the hungry, but rarely am I addressing "real" hunger.  Anyway, back to this moment.  I thought that diving into nursing would be too much of a rebound, and that I shouldn't rush into it with the pangs of comparative literature reject fresh on my heart.  I've been letting it mull over since that time, and I believe that it's the right thing to do.

I registered for a CNA course, which will be a good first step to see if I like the field, and to see if I'll be motivated enough to become a nurse some day.  I'm sort of starting over (again) in a different field, and I'll have no experiences so I'll be at the bottom of the food chain, but it'll be good I think.  It feels like a step in the right direction, and I'll be caring for people in a way that I never have before.  I'll be serving people when they are at their most weak and vulnerable.  There will be the viewing of more suffering, yes, but also a greater chance to see the face of Christ in my fellow man.

Mary

Sunday was the feast for the assumption of Mary.  This is one of those services I've missed consistently for the past few years, so I was excited to find out more.

So, what's up with Mary?  She is adored by so many, to the point where outsiders have accused some of "Mary worship."  How many Mary candles have you seen at the grocery store, those Mary de Guadelupe beach towels, little Mary statues etc.  She really does have quite the merchandise line.  Besides the accessories, Mary has a unique spiritual appeal.

At the service, the priest described Mary as a "lowly woman," a humble woman from ordinary circumstances.  She was chosen to be a great servant, to carry Jesus and then raise him into adulthood.  That's quite an honor but also quite a responsibility.  Could you imagine if she'd accidentally let him run into the coffee table or dropped him as a baby?  Yikes!

She was called to stand up and serve, to be a mother.  This can be viewed as a really simple calling: millions of women do this everyday.  So, again, what makes Mary so special?  To me, she appears to be the archetypal good woman, someone to be inspired by, and someone to call upon.  Many people, whether close to their mothers or other mother-figures, can always use another woman to look up to.

Still, Mary is more than just a spiritual role model and a figure that is transformed into art.  She was a servant, and Christians are always called to serve, to share their gifts with the world in whatever way they can.  She was a mother and a good cousin (at least that one time when she went to visit Elizabeth...I can't say I've read very much else about her life).

Words are eluding me as I write this before dawn (can't sleep), but I'm convinced that Mary is an important figure.  I think learning about Mary helps me connect to the human-ness of Jesus, that he was a baby and a toddler once, and that he had a mother who loved him.

A Priest and a Coat-Hanger

I'm getting married in 63 days.  Today, we met with the priest who will be marrying us.  We were all set up to meet at the church, until my fiance locked his keys in the car!  We were at a popular tourist spot, so lots of people were around but none with a coat-hanger handy.  I called up Father John, told him of our situtation, and he turned around and came to meet us, then left to get a coat hanger, and waited until we got the car open.  What a lifesaver and a sweetheart!  I have never been one to call upon a priest for a favor like this, but he pulled through when the local police would not come with a slim jim.

We picked our readings today.  We're going with genesis (I forget the number, but it's where God creates man and woman and makes them in His likeness), Colossians something or other, and John something or other (the one where Jesus is talking about the great commandment to love).  Okay, here they are: Genesis 1:26-28,31; Col 3:12-17; and John 15:9-12).  I like all of these because they are calls to action: calls to love our neighbor and our community, and to lovingly take care of God's creation.  I did really campaign for the Beatitudes, but I do like these passages because they are not just about personal striving for good.  Genesis calls for the teamwork of a man-wife couple, that they might set an example of love-in-action for the community, and in John that love is to be achieved not as a solo effort but through others. 

I hope that in my marriage, I will be able to both lean on the example and advice of other married couples, and that we will set a good example to other married couples (after we get a few years of practice in!).  I hope to have a light and to be a light.  I want there to be reciprocity within the marriage, and also between our marriage and our greater world.

While I certainly don't wish that those who have been so helpful to me lately find themselves in need, I do hope to be able to return the favor in some way!  Should your local neighborhood priest need a slim jim, maybe you can help him out.

It Gets Better

I went to the Grand Canyon in early June and hiked the rim-to-rim trail with some family members. It was a 23 mile hike spread over two days. As my brother and I flew down to Arizona, a real chatty Cathy got talking to my brother about the upcoming trip. She promised that it would be a "spiritual experience," and that we were doing the Grand Canyon right.

As we trudged through some 120* heat on the first day, blistered and run out of water, my brother and I joked bitterly, "Are you having a spiritual experience yet?" The second day was much harder, and I was flooded with thoughts of how unprepared we were, that it was someone's fault for not packing enough food, that it was Dad's fault for suggesting this trip would be easy, that it would be "a walk in the park." I almost had several princess-diva fits, but managed to swallow the growing sobs and keep walking.

As we walked along the bottom of the canyon, the sun rising over the canyon and lighting up the rocks, I thought, "It does get better." Another day dawns, the light shines again. I thought back to being 14, ready to end my life, and where I stood that day in the canyon. I had been broken and put back together, broken again, and put back together again many times. I was now a homeowner, on the brink of getting married, with good health and much to be thankful for.
I tried to keep this mantra in my head as we began the painful ascent that would take 7 hours for about 4.5 miles. This hardship will soon be over. I will be able to take off these boots and rest and be thankful.

I have hope in having hope again. My grandmother passed away about six weeks ago, and I have kept a framed prayer that was in her old parent's bedroom.
"I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year, 'Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown,' And he replied, 'Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.'" *Copyright Louise Harkins

I have been abandoned in this life; I have sometimes been forgotten but I will always have God's love to find myself again.

Praying?

You know those comic strips where little kids are praying because it's Christmas and they really really want a new bike, or they really really want to pass a test? "Please God, if you get me a bike for Christmas, I promise to be good." This is the framework I have in mind about praying.

There are, of course, the other prayers...the ones that are said on other people's behalf. Praying for the good health of other people, or to become a better person (please make me less selfish) seem to be the only "other" kind of prayers.

Yet, I keep hearing about all of these "other" prayers...there is a whole other side of praying that I have absolutely no idea about. I know a little bit about the rosary, and I know that it doesn't really have a hidden agenda. Praying the rosary doesn't really serve any one thing...it's more of an exercise (at least it seems to me) in devotion.

Lately, I've been so unfocused and stressed out that (again) instead of leaning more on God, I've been struggling it alone(ish). Most of the prayers that want to fall from my lips are along the lines of, "Please God, let this house deal fall through," or, "Please throw me a bone here as to what direction my life should be taking as far as some sort of vocation." However, these seem to fall into the first category of prayers: What can God do for me?

I've come to the conclusion that the only thing I should be praying for right now (besides for the good health of others) is for grace...grace to handle what God throws at me a little more gracefully. Lately, I feel more inclined to act like the 6 year old that didn't get that bike for Christmas.

A Different Church

I went to a lot of services this past Holy Week, and I feel content for having done so. I feel closer to God, and I feel like I am more focused on the light.

So, full of the light and joy that came from a beautiful and moving Saturday Vigil service, I got up very early the next morning to go to an Easter service at my future mother-in-law's church. It was unlike anything I'd ever seen before.

First off, the church that she goes to is in an affluent area, and the church itself is very large (and Protestant, but it's not your "typical" church, as you will see here shortly). The church I go to regularly is smaller, is in a pretty rough neighborhood, and doesn't have a free shuttle service.

So, I was prepared for a "multimedia experience" in a large, rich church. When I got there, it was very sterile, very bright, and very clean and modern looking. The room where the service was held was much like a movie theater (same kind of seats- very comfy) facing a large stage. On either side of the stage was a large projection screen. A professional worship band took the stage and sang 3 or 4 songs while the words were projected onto the screens, and everyone stood and watched. Next, a young man (I'm used to seeing very old priests) in jeans and a express-looking shirt came out and introduced himself and said his welcomes. Then, a fairly young man (dressed similarly trendily) came out and gave a comedic performance, with short bible verses and religious themed ideas sprinkled in. To finish, more worship band singing.

It was a very feel-good sort of a service. There was some lead-public prayer...but besides that, there was nothing really sacred about it. It lacked any ceremony or ritual, something I have come to love and lean upon in the Catholic church. When we stand up during a Catholic mass, there's a reason. We are giving reverence to something, whether that be the reading of the Gospel by the priest, or the procession of the cross. At the other service, we stood up so that we could clap or sing along with a band. It was very foreign, and very strange.

All that being said, I'm glad that that particular service exists because some people just love it, and feel a genuine emotional response, and leave feeling closer to God. That's great for them, it's just not my cup of tea. It did make my future mother in law very happy to have us with her at the service, so that was nice.

I'm looking forward to going to regular old Mass this Sunday. I never imagined when I first started the RCIA less than 3 years ago that Mass would one day feel so familiar, so comforting.