Excitement

My husband often tells me, during times of stress, that I should enjoy the experience.  He doesn't mean that I should "live in the moment," but rather allow myself to really feel the stress and recognize that every difficult time is one that I will look back on someday.

When we were in the process of buying our house, there were several occasions when I felt certain that the deal was going to fall through: we weren't going to be approved for the loan, someone else was going to outbid us, the house wasn't going to pass inspection...But, in the end, here I sit in my very own living room, with a faint memory of that anguish-filled process.

Even when I'm filled with anguish, whether it be house-related or deciding upon a career or education path, I'm excited for something.  Hope lies underneath that unrest.  Underneath my negativity, there lies a deep and abiding optimism that things will work out.  I am not doomed to unhappiness.  Graduate school did not work out (for now), but we did get our house to fill with our dreams.  I'm still excited about the possibility of future education, and I'm excited about the prospect of growing a family.

I'm excited for Christmas Eve this year.  This particular Christmas Eve is the ten-year anniversary of an unmentionable incident.  Every year, it is a cause for grieving, but I'm planning on making this my last year that I choose this particular path of dealing with it.  I go shopping on Christmas Eve.  In a daze, I wander through crowded stores and splurge on clothing (hello, Old Navy!).  This year, I'm mainly shopping for house-goods because I have quite a closet full of clothes that I don't wear.  Next year, I'm going to look into volunteering on Christmas Eve.

I'm excited for Christmas Eve mass this year.  I look forward to taking communion, to kiss goodbye all the sins and failures and letdowns of this year, and be re-born in hope for the new.  God has been with me through all of my past anguishes, through all of my hopes. 

Even right now, a time when my plate is relatively blank: I'm a newly-wed, pre-pregnant, with no future education lined up, no new job prospects in sight (although I do now have my CNA license), and in the process of becoming a US citizen.  There is a potential tornado of activity ahead, and right now I'm living in a period of stability and calm.  I am trying to savor this calm because I know I will look back on it someday with nostalgia (probably some future night when I am changing a newborn, and am utterly exhausted).

I hope to do better next year; I hope that I will be more positive, and that I will be able to more fully open myself to God and all His love and wisdom.

Vocation

I'm back.  It has been some time since I've written and quite a few big things have happened.  I had my first confession, I was married, and I went on a really magical honeymoon to Mexico.  I've been contemplating confession, birth control, marriage, and vocation.  Vocation is the real stumper, not because my decision is difficult, but rather because it requires me to embrace a new way of life.  Ultimately, I will move towards the good, but the path of least resistance is easy to get sucked into.

I'm reading 'A Year with Thomas Merton,' which composes of excerpts from his journals over the years.  This entry, written on October 22nd, 1952, has really struck me and is haunting my days.

"Whether we live or die, we are the Lord's.  Life and death alike can be offered up as penance.  I can make reparations for my impiety by living as perfectly as I can the Rule and Spirit of St. Benedict- obedience, humility, work, prayer, simplicity, the love of Christ.
The light of truth burns without a flicker in the depths of a house that is shaken with storms of passion and of fear.  'You will not fear the terror of the night.'  And so I go on trying to walk on the waters of the breakdown.  Worse than ever before and better than ever before.  It is always painful and reassuring when he who I am not is visibly destroyed by the hand of God in order that the simplicity in the depths of me, which is His image, may be set free to serve Him in peace.  Sometimes in the midst of all this I am tremendously happy, and I have never in my life begun to be so grateful for His mercy..."

Beautiful words, no?  I think about this in light of my graduate school rejections, about the loss of my dream of professorship, and about the possibility of instead becoming a nurse.  What could involve more humility and kindness than nursing?
I am the Lord's, regardless of how well I have handled this rejection and how hard I have labored to rebuild myself and driven towards a new goal.  I need not fear the darkness of unknowing, because God is waiting silently for me to awaken to His plans, and to realize that the person I thought that I should be has been erased.  Instead, I am encouraged to pursue the simple solution waiting inside of the peace of my soul, and to pursue it whole heartedly.
Feeling God's presence through this decision is very joyful  and very reassuring.  I have hope for a different future, one that will still be bright but still challenging.  The future will be demanding, no doubt.  I hope that I can ground myself firmly in peace, that I will not storm about looking for the answer that is already in front of me.

Healing the Sick

I recently went to The Grotto, which is a sanctuary in Portland dedicated to Mary.  I prayed for my upcoming marriage and for a little peace of mind.  I've been feeling quite lost lately, and have been searching for something "to do" since I was not accepted into grad school.

I had a moment while I was in St. Paul in March, when there was still snow on the ground, and I was out on a run.  I thought, I could become a nurse, I could tend to the sick and still be doing an activity of one of the beatitudes.  If I'm not tending to the sick, housing the homeless, feeding the hungry, etc...then what am I doing?  Being a waitress is technically feeding the hungry, but rarely am I addressing "real" hunger.  Anyway, back to this moment.  I thought that diving into nursing would be too much of a rebound, and that I shouldn't rush into it with the pangs of comparative literature reject fresh on my heart.  I've been letting it mull over since that time, and I believe that it's the right thing to do.

I registered for a CNA course, which will be a good first step to see if I like the field, and to see if I'll be motivated enough to become a nurse some day.  I'm sort of starting over (again) in a different field, and I'll have no experiences so I'll be at the bottom of the food chain, but it'll be good I think.  It feels like a step in the right direction, and I'll be caring for people in a way that I never have before.  I'll be serving people when they are at their most weak and vulnerable.  There will be the viewing of more suffering, yes, but also a greater chance to see the face of Christ in my fellow man.

Mary

Sunday was the feast for the assumption of Mary.  This is one of those services I've missed consistently for the past few years, so I was excited to find out more.

So, what's up with Mary?  She is adored by so many, to the point where outsiders have accused some of "Mary worship."  How many Mary candles have you seen at the grocery store, those Mary de Guadelupe beach towels, little Mary statues etc.  She really does have quite the merchandise line.  Besides the accessories, Mary has a unique spiritual appeal.

At the service, the priest described Mary as a "lowly woman," a humble woman from ordinary circumstances.  She was chosen to be a great servant, to carry Jesus and then raise him into adulthood.  That's quite an honor but also quite a responsibility.  Could you imagine if she'd accidentally let him run into the coffee table or dropped him as a baby?  Yikes!

She was called to stand up and serve, to be a mother.  This can be viewed as a really simple calling: millions of women do this everyday.  So, again, what makes Mary so special?  To me, she appears to be the archetypal good woman, someone to be inspired by, and someone to call upon.  Many people, whether close to their mothers or other mother-figures, can always use another woman to look up to.

Still, Mary is more than just a spiritual role model and a figure that is transformed into art.  She was a servant, and Christians are always called to serve, to share their gifts with the world in whatever way they can.  She was a mother and a good cousin (at least that one time when she went to visit Elizabeth...I can't say I've read very much else about her life).

Words are eluding me as I write this before dawn (can't sleep), but I'm convinced that Mary is an important figure.  I think learning about Mary helps me connect to the human-ness of Jesus, that he was a baby and a toddler once, and that he had a mother who loved him.

A Priest and a Coat-Hanger

I'm getting married in 63 days.  Today, we met with the priest who will be marrying us.  We were all set up to meet at the church, until my fiance locked his keys in the car!  We were at a popular tourist spot, so lots of people were around but none with a coat-hanger handy.  I called up Father John, told him of our situtation, and he turned around and came to meet us, then left to get a coat hanger, and waited until we got the car open.  What a lifesaver and a sweetheart!  I have never been one to call upon a priest for a favor like this, but he pulled through when the local police would not come with a slim jim.

We picked our readings today.  We're going with genesis (I forget the number, but it's where God creates man and woman and makes them in His likeness), Colossians something or other, and John something or other (the one where Jesus is talking about the great commandment to love).  Okay, here they are: Genesis 1:26-28,31; Col 3:12-17; and John 15:9-12).  I like all of these because they are calls to action: calls to love our neighbor and our community, and to lovingly take care of God's creation.  I did really campaign for the Beatitudes, but I do like these passages because they are not just about personal striving for good.  Genesis calls for the teamwork of a man-wife couple, that they might set an example of love-in-action for the community, and in John that love is to be achieved not as a solo effort but through others. 

I hope that in my marriage, I will be able to both lean on the example and advice of other married couples, and that we will set a good example to other married couples (after we get a few years of practice in!).  I hope to have a light and to be a light.  I want there to be reciprocity within the marriage, and also between our marriage and our greater world.

While I certainly don't wish that those who have been so helpful to me lately find themselves in need, I do hope to be able to return the favor in some way!  Should your local neighborhood priest need a slim jim, maybe you can help him out.

It Gets Better

I went to the Grand Canyon in early June and hiked the rim-to-rim trail with some family members. It was a 23 mile hike spread over two days. As my brother and I flew down to Arizona, a real chatty Cathy got talking to my brother about the upcoming trip. She promised that it would be a "spiritual experience," and that we were doing the Grand Canyon right.

As we trudged through some 120* heat on the first day, blistered and run out of water, my brother and I joked bitterly, "Are you having a spiritual experience yet?" The second day was much harder, and I was flooded with thoughts of how unprepared we were, that it was someone's fault for not packing enough food, that it was Dad's fault for suggesting this trip would be easy, that it would be "a walk in the park." I almost had several princess-diva fits, but managed to swallow the growing sobs and keep walking.

As we walked along the bottom of the canyon, the sun rising over the canyon and lighting up the rocks, I thought, "It does get better." Another day dawns, the light shines again. I thought back to being 14, ready to end my life, and where I stood that day in the canyon. I had been broken and put back together, broken again, and put back together again many times. I was now a homeowner, on the brink of getting married, with good health and much to be thankful for.
I tried to keep this mantra in my head as we began the painful ascent that would take 7 hours for about 4.5 miles. This hardship will soon be over. I will be able to take off these boots and rest and be thankful.

I have hope in having hope again. My grandmother passed away about six weeks ago, and I have kept a framed prayer that was in her old parent's bedroom.
"I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year, 'Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown,' And he replied, 'Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.'" *Copyright Louise Harkins

I have been abandoned in this life; I have sometimes been forgotten but I will always have God's love to find myself again.

Praying?

You know those comic strips where little kids are praying because it's Christmas and they really really want a new bike, or they really really want to pass a test? "Please God, if you get me a bike for Christmas, I promise to be good." This is the framework I have in mind about praying.

There are, of course, the other prayers...the ones that are said on other people's behalf. Praying for the good health of other people, or to become a better person (please make me less selfish) seem to be the only "other" kind of prayers.

Yet, I keep hearing about all of these "other" prayers...there is a whole other side of praying that I have absolutely no idea about. I know a little bit about the rosary, and I know that it doesn't really have a hidden agenda. Praying the rosary doesn't really serve any one thing...it's more of an exercise (at least it seems to me) in devotion.

Lately, I've been so unfocused and stressed out that (again) instead of leaning more on God, I've been struggling it alone(ish). Most of the prayers that want to fall from my lips are along the lines of, "Please God, let this house deal fall through," or, "Please throw me a bone here as to what direction my life should be taking as far as some sort of vocation." However, these seem to fall into the first category of prayers: What can God do for me?

I've come to the conclusion that the only thing I should be praying for right now (besides for the good health of others) is for grace...grace to handle what God throws at me a little more gracefully. Lately, I feel more inclined to act like the 6 year old that didn't get that bike for Christmas.

A Different Church

I went to a lot of services this past Holy Week, and I feel content for having done so. I feel closer to God, and I feel like I am more focused on the light.

So, full of the light and joy that came from a beautiful and moving Saturday Vigil service, I got up very early the next morning to go to an Easter service at my future mother-in-law's church. It was unlike anything I'd ever seen before.

First off, the church that she goes to is in an affluent area, and the church itself is very large (and Protestant, but it's not your "typical" church, as you will see here shortly). The church I go to regularly is smaller, is in a pretty rough neighborhood, and doesn't have a free shuttle service.

So, I was prepared for a "multimedia experience" in a large, rich church. When I got there, it was very sterile, very bright, and very clean and modern looking. The room where the service was held was much like a movie theater (same kind of seats- very comfy) facing a large stage. On either side of the stage was a large projection screen. A professional worship band took the stage and sang 3 or 4 songs while the words were projected onto the screens, and everyone stood and watched. Next, a young man (I'm used to seeing very old priests) in jeans and a express-looking shirt came out and introduced himself and said his welcomes. Then, a fairly young man (dressed similarly trendily) came out and gave a comedic performance, with short bible verses and religious themed ideas sprinkled in. To finish, more worship band singing.

It was a very feel-good sort of a service. There was some lead-public prayer...but besides that, there was nothing really sacred about it. It lacked any ceremony or ritual, something I have come to love and lean upon in the Catholic church. When we stand up during a Catholic mass, there's a reason. We are giving reverence to something, whether that be the reading of the Gospel by the priest, or the procession of the cross. At the other service, we stood up so that we could clap or sing along with a band. It was very foreign, and very strange.

All that being said, I'm glad that that particular service exists because some people just love it, and feel a genuine emotional response, and leave feeling closer to God. That's great for them, it's just not my cup of tea. It did make my future mother in law very happy to have us with her at the service, so that was nice.

I'm looking forward to going to regular old Mass this Sunday. I never imagined when I first started the RCIA less than 3 years ago that Mass would one day feel so familiar, so comforting.

The Bigger Picture: A Good Investment

On this Holiest of Weeks...

I've been reading a lot lately. I've been reading more blogs and I'm feeling inspired to try and write better; I'm hoping to eventually write in such a way that each post is more essay-like, in that it would be centered around a theme (so serious!). That being said, it's about the process and I'm still looking towards the bigger picture.

I have been facing the darkness during this darkness of Lent. I am a grad school reject. What would grad school have done for me, besides stretching my intellect and making me feel accomplished? Well, it would have (potentially) been an investment in my career (future, not current...waitressing doesn't really require a whole lot of investment besides buying several ugly, masculine white shirts and some good starch).
So, in light of this particular investment being cut short, my fiance and I have decided to look into purchasing our first home. Since we will not be wandering across the country, we can put down some roots here and start a family sooner. That's nice. I like the idea of having a big kitchen with lots of counter space, and painting the inside of my (our) house all sorts of bright and pretty colors. I also like the thought of being preggo and having some children wandering around the house.

Being rejected has allowed me the freedom to focus more on the changes that are going on right now, and to invest more into my future husband, home, and family. That requires far more emotional risk and investment than studying some esoteric themes in literature (though I do dearly love those themes).

So, besides the obvious "oh, there's always a silver lining," or "God has other plans for you," I think what I'm learning from this present state of affairs is that in the bigger picture of life, that I'm changing direction but not my destination. I will be travelling through some different countryside than previously planned, and I'm okay with that.

The universe is humming a little louder. I've managed to finagle my work schedule so that I can attend all of the Holy-day services (Thursday, Good Friday, Saturday vigil, and Easter morning). The investment into going to church is really paying off in magical, musical, and colorful ways. While I cannot paint with all of the colors of the wind, God can, and it's inspiring me to work harder.

The Darkness

It's been a rough week.

I didn't get into graduate school. I have been fighting the desperation that naturally followed, the one that made me think I needed an immediate fix--the back-up plan of all back-up plans. I thought that perhaps God wanted me to become a nurse (my undergraduate degree is in philosophy, and my intent was to study comparative literature, so nursing would have been quite the turnaround). However, the thought that our bodies are just composed of a pile of organs really disturbs me on a deep, primal level, so I have decided to forgo an attempt to become a nurse.

Instead of turning to my faith to get me through these stressful and confusing times, I have stayed away. I feel like I am very much in my adolescence...I am a sultry teenager whom no one could understand. That being said, in this metaphor I have very loving parents so I don't feel alone (now).

I've been reading a similar themed blog written by a young woman living in Canada, who is a relatively new Orthodox Christian. It has been a comfort and inspiration during Lent.

For now, I am just trying to be patient and wait. "Be still and know that I am God."

One Day at a Time

So, the old phrase, "I'm taking it one day at a time," is commonly used by recovering addicts. Partly, this has to be done out of necessity due to the overwhelming amount of work needed to change one's life after hitting rock bottom. Imagine, a woman who's fallen into drug use, become homeless, lost her job, lost her friends, doesn't have a license, has bad credit (etc.) who decides to get sober and turn her life around. She has to "take it one day at a time" to simply stay sane and not fall into a pit of hopelessness at the seemingly enormous load of obstacles in her path to success.

The other reason to "take it one day at a time," is to avoid the ensnarement of pride. "Oh, think how awesome it will feel in 40 days if I pray the rosary every day!" That thought spells immediate set up for failure and disappointment. Not that I think it's impossible for me to do that everyday but I know I won't. If there's one thing I know about myself, is that (despite my predilection towards addiction), I have a hard time mustering up the discipline to do anything once a day every day (yes, true to British form, I have horrible teeth). So, I tell myself to be thankful for the presence of enthusiasm to do something good when it strikes. When I want to exercise, I'm happy that that particular desire arises at that moment (and I go and do it). Similarly, with the desire to pray or read the bible. As good as it would feel to do either of these things everyday, I know that I'm a long way off from that. It takes a tremendous amount of spiritual discipline to do that, and right now I'm just trying to be patient and thankful for the point of the journey that I am at.

On Lent

Lent is my favorite spiritual time of year. Lent isn't a "holiday" as there are no festivities or frolicking, and because of its time-span of 40 days it can't really be a season either. There is also a distinct lack of shopping sales during the Lenten period, too, so it is certainly not the most popular time for folks. I rather like this underdog that is neither a season nor a holiday.

Having struggled with addiction, quitting things comes naturally and all of the guilt and redemption that comes with it makes sense. Lent is a time to reflect upon the sinning part of our human nature, that is, the part that strays from God through selfish acts, indulgences, and generally just behaving badly. Many of the activities associated with addiction revolve around a cycle of indulgence/pleasure and regret/remorse.

That being said, Lent is more than giving up ice-cream for 40 days. Last year, I quit drinking soft drinks (no mere feat!). This year, I'm thinking about quitting soft drinks and coffee (yikes!). However, while I have quit these two things separately for 40 days and don't imagine that it will be too painful (and, honestly, these are things I will need to quit anyway at some point before my esophagus disintegrates in my sleep)...Jesus died for me, and all I can do is quit delicious caffeinated beverages? It seems that my action is quite tiny.

Speaking of the tiny, I got to reading about sacrifice beads (if I could insert a link in here, I would). Sacrifice beads were employed by St. Therese as a way of keeping track of her good and bad deeds and thoughts throughout the day. She would see every bead pushed towards the "good side" as a sign of a little gift she'd given to God, through the act of a good behavior or a kind deed to someone. You can purchase really cute ones that look a little bit like those chinese bead bracelets that were all the rage when I was 16. I considered making one for myself before I realized that I would bankrupt myself, I would have all my ten beads immediately on the bad side upon stepping into work (I like to complain a lot at work and think bad, judgmental thoughts about my customers). Still, it's a very nice idea...and is a nice illustration of the mighty "littleness" of St. Therese.

So, I will boldly abstain from coffee and soda, and hope that my tiny contribution makes some sort of a spiritual difference.

Reading the Bible

Besides studying the bible in my RCIA class (discussing the readings from that day's Mass), a little bit in college, and readings given in church, I have barely scratched the surface of the Bible. I hear that most Christians haven't read the Bible (this isn't really all that surprising, since it is quite a beastly book length-wise), so I thought to myself: why not? I've set myself a 6 month deadline to try and read the Bible cover-to-cover (Old through New). I'm sure that I will falter along the way, but I'm going to give it the good-old-fashioned-college-try and see if I can make it all the way through.

I'm reading the Bible chronologically, so today I started off with the first 8 books of Genesis. Now, one of the big stinkeroos about Adam & Eve is that because of eating the forbidden fruit, all of mankind that has followed has inherited sin. That is to say, we are all inherently sinful because of their act of eating the fruit. This has never seemed fair to me...why should I suffer the consequences of someone else's actions?

So, since God is perfect, it is impossible for him to create anything that isn't perfect (according to the philosophy of Leibniz)...if God were a master carpenter, He wouldn't create a chair that was unstable for his patrons (hello, he's a master!)...So, there's a seeming paradox with humans since they are created in His image but ultimately they go astray, become lawless, and are then wiped off the face of the earth via The Flood...Are they still a perfect creation? Is God still perfect even though He created a seemingly inferior product?

Noah. Noah is the exception that proves the rule. After centuries of babymaking and population, God decides that only Noah shall survive (plus his kin). Noah does not ask God questions, he just obeys. He is the beacon of lawfulness in a world full of lawlessness, brought about by mischievious man. So, Noah is a shining example of how Adam's descendents have the potential to be lawful and are not necessarily doomed to sin. God recognizes that "the desires of man's heart are evil from the start," and that Noah is one of these people. The only reason Noah is chosen to survive must be because he ignores his own evil human desires to instead listen and obey God's desires.

So, human desire = bad (inherently...we were created with said desires)
God's desire = good
Desire to listen and obey God = good

However, one question remains unanswered after today's reading:

Why is nakedness bad?