I'm back. It has been some time since I've written and quite a few big things have happened. I had my first confession, I was married, and I went on a really magical honeymoon to Mexico. I've been contemplating confession, birth control, marriage, and vocation. Vocation is the real stumper, not because my decision is difficult, but rather because it requires me to embrace a new way of life. Ultimately, I will move towards the good, but the path of least resistance is easy to get sucked into.
I'm reading 'A Year with Thomas Merton,' which composes of excerpts from his journals over the years. This entry, written on October 22nd, 1952, has really struck me and is haunting my days.
"Whether we live or die, we are the Lord's. Life and death alike can be offered up as penance. I can make reparations for my impiety by living as perfectly as I can the Rule and Spirit of St. Benedict- obedience, humility, work, prayer, simplicity, the love of Christ.
The light of truth burns without a flicker in the depths of a house that is shaken with storms of passion and of fear. 'You will not fear the terror of the night.' And so I go on trying to walk on the waters of the breakdown. Worse than ever before and better than ever before. It is always painful and reassuring when he who I am not is visibly destroyed by the hand of God in order that the simplicity in the depths of me, which is His image, may be set free to serve Him in peace. Sometimes in the midst of all this I am tremendously happy, and I have never in my life begun to be so grateful for His mercy..."
Beautiful words, no? I think about this in light of my graduate school rejections, about the loss of my dream of professorship, and about the possibility of instead becoming a nurse. What could involve more humility and kindness than nursing?
I am the Lord's, regardless of how well I have handled this rejection and how hard I have labored to rebuild myself and driven towards a new goal. I need not fear the darkness of unknowing, because God is waiting silently for me to awaken to His plans, and to realize that the person I thought that I should be has been erased. Instead, I am encouraged to pursue the simple solution waiting inside of the peace of my soul, and to pursue it whole heartedly.
Feeling God's presence through this decision is very joyful and very reassuring. I have hope for a different future, one that will still be bright but still challenging. The future will be demanding, no doubt. I hope that I can ground myself firmly in peace, that I will not storm about looking for the answer that is already in front of me.
