There are always a hundred reasons to pray. I will list a small number of things I could pray for just in this moment: soldiers recently indicted for tortue, victims and the families of victims who have been tortured, my husband, my baby, peace (in general), my mother's continued good health, my brother, my extended family members, my marriage, and so on.
I find one of my major gumption traps to praying the rosary is that it takes a long time (shame on me! but, in an effort to recognize obstacles I accept the fact that half an hour seems like a lot of time to focus on praying). Solution? I bought a chaplet, which is simpler, and takes half the time to make it on a round of beads. Result? No increase in prayer frequency yet.
The night before my most recent ultrasound, I was plagued with anxiety, thoughts about what might show up on the scan: possible defects, missing limbs, soft markers for Down's etc. Of all the times to pray, to reconnect with God, to put my trust in Him, that was the time. Yet, I could not bring myself to pray for even ten minutes.
As I lay in bed that night, awaiting sleep to come upon me, I thought about why I was still hesitant to pray, despite the huge emotional and spiritual benefits that can be gained by handing up our problems to God. FEAR. It turns out that praying involves giving (imagined) reins over to someone else and admitting that we mere mortals have absolutely no control over the ultimate course of our lives. Yes, I could go out right now and buy a milkshake instead of going to the gym, but I cannot control my health or my unborn child's health. While it's difficult to open myself to receiving God's love at times, trusting God (and others in general) is even more mightily difficult.
The ultrasound went really well, and I am greatful...so very, very greatful. I hope to learn to trust, so that I can survive with sanity as my baby gets bigger and eventually makes an appearance in this world.
